Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
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I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I love wikipedia
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.