I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Mad Max: Furry Road
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No