Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.