i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on