She puts the hot in psychotic
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They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
the red hot silly peppers
Ummm
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
asking santa clause for nudes
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”