nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
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A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain