Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
You Might Also Like
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
sin harder.
2022 will be better than 2021
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.