Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
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Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.