[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
You Might Also Like
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
The police never think its as funny as you do.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna