Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.