the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP