Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
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If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Found the job I’m suited for
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine