My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Unimpressed
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.