If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
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My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope