My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?