[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
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16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again