To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
A choir of Spring onions
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.