I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
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When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
my first day as a raccoon
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
That 👊
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
*praying for world peace*
God:
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?