Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
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mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
🤣🤣
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.