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Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
😂😂😂
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.