Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
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Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
He took my last fry, your honor
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME