Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them