i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
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Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired