If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”