Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.