I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no