wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.