all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.