I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Think I pulled my liver
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
New tinder profile pic
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.