Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.