Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
You Might Also Like
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?