*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
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Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth