I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG