[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
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One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Covid like
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer