I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Dammit Chief not again
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.