Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”