I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
You Might Also Like
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”