my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
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Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
They’re on their honeymoon
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I’m being attacked 😭
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.