They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.