Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.