You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
You Might Also Like
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence