marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today