I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?