Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
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That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.