I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
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Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.