*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
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Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.