Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there