Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.