Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.