My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Things will get butter, keep churning
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!